We definitely took the scenic route - alas in the darkness the depth and range of the beauteous countryside darting past the window counted for shit all. Eventually back at DB our triumphant return was greeted by little more than a murmur through a Monday night post-work TV soaked haze. I headed for the kitchen   - there was rice to be boiled and fried. I cooked and ate - and normality reigned in the DB household (equal to sedate Saturday night in a Victorian asylum) for at least two hours, perhaps longer. Certainly by the time it came to take Bread back to the brown hall my anxiety had lifted and a semblance of Zen had returned.

As I recall it now the journey back to the brown hall began without incident, I headed for the back roads. As usual when driving at night I had been careful to bring my array of personal effects with me in case of emergency. This included two mobile phones (one contract from my job the other a 'pay-as-you-go' complete with £3.02 credit); it did not include a camera - one thing I very nearly picked up before leaving. Shortly into the journey my work phone buzzed with surprisingly welcome news in the form of a text message there was more contraband to be had - if we wanted it. Of course we wanted it - but I was driving. My aging work mobile was then thrust upon Bread in the passenger seat - he received it with reluctance. Undeterred I dictated my response and waited. He'd begun typing by the time I'd finished talking, then he'd finished typing by the time I'd finished speaking, so as before I could dictate the next words the message had already been sent. There was no trauma - since with the protocol of text messaging, particularly where contraband is concerned, 'to the point' responses are allowed and frequent. The message was also followed shortly after by a favourable reply.

I diligently delivered Bread at the gate to his estate, bade him farewell tidings and set upon my final journey of the day's ferrying. Bertha has a fully functioning stereo and radio, however this requires a 4-digit securityactivation code, unfortunately the code did not come as part of the £400 I purchased her for. Rather than paying out to discover the code my alternative is listening to an MP3 player via an 'in-ear' headphone or two whilst driving. In fact I was contemplating doing just that when I realised there was a fully-grown stag, standing in the middle of the road about ten feet away, staring right at me. I was travelling approximately 50mph when a combination of instinct, bertha's super-car status and possibly teleportation moved the stag to somehow not be in front of, on top of or underneath Bertha but alongside. A micro second after this I caught sight, out the corner of my right eye, of another Stag on

I could have sounded my horn at they would have probably retreated, but I continued to watch them - checking in front and behind for oncoming cars. I had to time to reply to the earlier text message and phone home before I had to bring this call of nature to a halt, there were cars approaching from both directions. Far from a rushed situation the setting for this titanic battle was a long, straight, flat road that stretched to a distant horizon in both directions, there was more than enough time to act. This in mind I increased the speed at which my engine was revolving and literally herded the stags of the road. I came to a halt half-on the left hand curb with the deer still brawling, now on a grassy bank. Before I had time to beep the horn and with both cars still some distance away, the stag which, in my opinion, had been losing on points detangled him self and flashed across the road and into the woods opposite. Pulling onto the pavement I watched the victor prowl for a few seconds before tuning his back and leaping into the night. The two cars crossed just ahead of me, they were followed by a succession of vehicles that lasted long enough for me to wonder had everyone been waiting half mile up the road for the annual stag battle to conclude...

Stories in head and heart in mouth I made it back to a deserted DB where all were asleep or shut away in privacy. There was no one to tell these stories to and so I felt the need to write them down. That is done so now I shall sleep. oh deer.